Johannesburg — In the wake of the shittest weekend in recent memory, South Africans are calling for a free weekend as compensation. This follows Jacob Zuma’s clone’s decision to reshuffle his cabinet late last Thursday night in a very obvious ploy to get his masters unfettered access to South Africa’s treasury.
It is widely accepted that axed Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan and his deputy, Mcebisi Jonas were the only thing preventing the corrupt Gupta family from plundering South Africa’s treasury.
“It’s terrible,” a spokesperson for the South African Communist Party, who wishes to remain anonymous, told APFYT reporters on Monday. “How could anyone enjoy their weekend after a Friday like that? And at the start of the school holidays! No man!”
The SACP was just one of many parties who expressed their dissatisfaction with Zuma’s clone’s decision, including Zuma’s own party.
“We feel he could be a little less obvious about our absolute non-interest in the welfare of the country,” an ANC source told APFYT reporters, speaking on the condition that he remain anonymous. “We only have so much budgeting set aside for disinformation campaigns.”
The DA has since raised calls for Zuma’s (figurative) head, but the EFF told reporters they would be satisfied with Zuma’s (literal) balls.
“Ja, his balls,” an EFF spokesperson clarified, “because the parliament police are always grabbing Malema’s when they throw him out.”
An ANC spokesperson expressed shock at these demands. “If President Zuma has either a head or testicles – and we’re not confirming that he does – they remain the property of the African National Congress.”