South Africans demand another weekend, end to blight of corruption, and Zuma’s testicles

 

3-540x355
Axed Minister of Finance Pravin Gordhan. Source.

 

Johannesburg — In the wake of the shittest weekend in recent memory, South Africans are calling for a free weekend as compensation. This follows Jacob Zuma’s clone’s decision to reshuffle his cabinet late last Thursday night in a very obvious ploy to get his masters unfettered access to South Africa’s treasury.

It is widely accepted that axed Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan and his deputy, Mcebisi Jonas were the only thing preventing the corrupt Gupta family from plundering South Africa’s treasury.

“It’s terrible,” a spokesperson for the South African Communist Party, who wishes to remain anonymous, told APFYT reporters on Monday. “How could anyone enjoy their weekend after a Friday like that? And at the start of the school holidays! No man!”

The SACP was just one of many parties who expressed their dissatisfaction with Zuma’s clone’s decision, including Zuma’s own party.

“We feel he could be a little less obvious about our absolute non-interest in the welfare of the country,” an ANC source told APFYT reporters, speaking on the condition that he remain anonymous. “We only have so much budgeting set aside for disinformation campaigns.”

The DA has since raised calls for Zuma’s (figurative) head, but the EFF told reporters they would be satisfied with Zuma’s (literal) balls.

“Ja, his balls,” an EFF spokesperson clarified, “because the parliament police are always grabbing Malema’s when they throw him out.”

An ANC spokesperson expressed shock at these demands. “If President Zuma has either a head or testicles – and we’re not confirming that he does – they remain the property of the African National Congress.”

Man surprised to learn that poor people are allegedly human

screenshot-web-facebook-com-2017-02-24-15-03-19

Johannesburg–A South African man was on Friday surprised to learn that poor and disadvantaged people are human.

Trevor Frown posted disparaging remarks about the poor on popular news and opinion site, the Daily Maverick.

“Ask this leftist fool when the poor and marginalised ever did something to build the econi\omy [sic], except to be gullible enough to vote gangster and con men into power,” he wrote.

His comment was in response to an article about Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan’s vision for South Africa’s economy.

Frown was surprised to learn that even poor and socially disadvantaged people are considered humans and thus deserving of basic human rights, including food, shelter, amenities, health care, independent agency and protection by the state.

“Oh sure!” he told APFYT reporters on Friday morning, while washing his Land Rover. “What commie bullsh*t! If you ask me, you don’t qualify to be human if your car is older than two years.”

Frown was subsequently very surprised to learn that some people cannot afford to buy cars, but rubbished assertions that he was “out of touch”.

Frown’s close friend, Dianne Dolton, defended him by claiming that “one cannot trust the mainstream media nowadays.”

“It’s all lefties and socialists! I’ve seen cars in Soweto, you know, with my own eyes while driving past,” she reassured APFYT, taking a break from her affirmative colouring-in to speak to our reporters. “There’s no pulling the wool over my eyes!”

Frown has refused to rescind his comments.

“I won’t give in to this nonsensical claim that ‘all humans are humans.’ Get off my lawn!”

Molefe’s crocodile tears to be sworn in as members of parliament

84e7a793538748e4846c3eed48ef3d28
Brian Molefe pictured with his crocodile tears. File. Source.

Cape Town–The ANC have announced their intention to swear in Brian Molefe’s crocodile tears as members of parliament too.

This follows Molefe’s recent appointment as a member of parliament for the ruling party.

Molefe’s crocodile tears made their first appearance at a media briefing in November 2016 when the then-CEO was confronted with mismanagement at South Africa’s energy provider Eskom.

Former Public Prosecutor Thuli Madonsela’s report on state capture was damning, but at the time Molefe insisted there was nothing wrong with Eskom’s dealings with Gupta-owned enterprises. He resigned from his position shortly thereafter.

Questioned about their decision, an ANC member, speaking on condition of anonymity, told APFYT that they felt Molefe’s tears had “room within the party”.

“We’re optimistic that President Zuma’s clone might like to borrow them from time to time. The public responds to that kind of thing,” she said, making an oblique reference to Zuma’s clone’s seeming lack of remorse about the massive corruption and general moral degeneracy that have become the trademarks of his tenure as president.

The ANC received a lot of flack for Molefe’s appointment to parliament. DA MP David Maynier told EWN, “At the end of the day, only the Guptas are likely to be delighted if Brian Molefe is appointed to the finance family because they would get what they wanted.”

It is unclear what opposition parties will make of the new developments.

Woman unable to decide which one of ten Bibles to use for ten minutes of Bible study a day

bibles
A collection of Bibles. Stock. Source.

Johannesburg – An elder in a local church reportedly struggles to decide which one of her ten Bibles to use for her daily quiet time.

The woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, reached out to APFYT to share her woes in making a decision about which Bible to use.

“It’s tough,” she said, speaking frankly. “Which one of my expensive study bibles should I use? Should I even use a study bible? I’ve wanted to use my journalling Bible but I’m afraid I’ll accidentally journal in it, and live to regret the mistake.

“It’s a conundrum,” she concluded.

She isn’t alone. She’s only one of many modern Christians who face the enormous responsibility of settling on a Bible to use when there are many different versions available in many translations.

“We’re spoiled for choice,” a representative of a popular Christian bookstore, speaking on condition of anonymity, told APFYT. “But this ESV Journalling Bible with a leather cover is a very popular choice at the moment, would you like to take a look?”

Not everyone shares this burden. APFYT has learned that there are some countries where Christians are not permitted to own even a single Bible per family, or face enormous risks for doing so.

“In a way I envy them,” the anonymous elder told APFYT when asked about this. “They’re really getting back to the roots of faith, aren’t they? Jesus did say we’d be persecuted for our beliefs, and they’re really living that reality. I have so much respect for them.”

Asked whether she felt Western and non-persecuted countries should sponsor Bible distribution in less fortunate places, she agreed that it was vital and necessary work.

“It’s a pity I can’t give more,” she told APFYT, but explained that she was saving up for the CEV Women’s Bible.

#SONA2017 – Mbete annoyed at “belly” claims

zuma_mbete_0
Baleka Mbete and Jacob Zuma at SONA 2017. Source.

Cape Town – Speaker of the Parliament Baleka Mbete has rubbished claims that her performance at the State of the Nation address was dampened by her pot belly.

Her three-hour long show at last night’s SONA included an outfit that did not always flatter her.

Speaking after the SONA concluded, Mbete said it’s a crying shame that women are still judged by their appearance rather than their achievements.

AMFOOT-NFL-SUPERBOWL-HALFTIME
Mbete mid-performance. Source.

“If you’re going to judge me, judge me for being partisan, possibly corrupt and of dubious moral character,” she told reporters.

Mbete and Zuma are famous for their collaboration, “Bad Romance”.

#SONA2017 – Zuma’s address continued after fisticuffs, drama – report

827dc5d46a724b9594c9d6d826760849
President Zuma allegedly giving his SONA address. Source.

Cape Town – In a shocking twist it has been claimed that President Jacob Zuma’s State of the Nation address continued after opposition parties DA and EFF left the parliamentary sitting.

This despite the fact that many South Africans muted or changed the channel once the drama had been resolved.

Speaking to several experts, APFYT was unable to entirely confirm reports that Zuma’s address continued.

“We’re not sure,” one expert, speaking on condition of anonymity, said. “There are rumours about a speech and something called the ‘nine point plan’, but that’s just speculation at this point.”

South Africans have become inured to anything other than wholesale chaos since the EFF’s election to parliament several years ago.

#SONA2017 – Mbeki continues to exist but wishes he didn’t – report

http3a2f2fo-aolcdn-com2fhss2fstorage2fmidas2fd45c14555c10bdf30009436ffc507e2a2f2049172512fscreen2bshot2b2017-02-092bat2b10-54-052bpm
Thabo Mbeki at SONA 2017. Source.

Cape Town – Thabo Mbeki is not enjoying his recent bout of re-existence, reports claim.

Mbeki, who attended last night’s State of the Nation address, appeared less than enthusiastic about his presence there.

The previous president resurfaced at an event hosted by FW de Klerk last week, refuting rumours that he had permanently denied himself out of existence.

It is not clear whether he continues to exist today.

#SONA2017 – South Africans surprised by number of politicians at SONA

parliament-sona-2017-eff-fight_765x0_80-width-800
South African politicians. Source.

“It’s almost like it was a political event,” one said

Cape Town – South Africans were shocked to discover that there are more than two and a half politicians active in the country, early reports indicated.

The pomp prior to last night’s State of the Nation address afforded ordinary South Africans the unusual opportunity to see their elected officials en masse.

“I never knew there were so many of them!” a man, speaking anonymously, told APFYT. “There are only ever a few in the newspapers.”

Queried on who these were, he identified the current president of South Africa, Jacob Zuma, along with the Nandos advertising team and Mmusi Maimane.

The State of the Nation address was attended by South Africa’s most influential politicians and representatives, though Evita Bezuidenhout was noticeably absent.

#SONA2017 – Sign language interpreter was only “pushing up invisible glasses”

screen-shot-2017-02-09-at-10-32-19-pm
Invisible glasses. Source.

[WATCH.]

Cape Town – The sign language interpreter for the SABC’s live broadcast of the State of the Nation address was only pushing up his glasses, an SABC spokesperson has said.

The spokesperson, speaking anonymously, said claims that the sign language interpreter was signing derogatory on-screen comments is absolutely false.

When confronted with video from the incident, the spokesperson said that just because the glasses are invisible does not mean that they weren’t there.

The sign language interpreter’s on the spot translation is widely considered to be the saving grace of SONA 2017.

#SONA2017 – DA leader promises that DA members will resurrect themselves, demand minute of silence if they should ever die

750x513q70maimane-walks-out
DA leader Mmusi Maimane speaking outside parliament. Source.

Cape Town – The leader of South Africa’s Democratic Alliance has assured voters that if any members of the DA should ever die, they would voluntarily resurrect themselves to demand a minute of silence in parliament.

This follows repeated denials of the DA’s request for a minute of silence at last night’s State of the Nation address to mourn the 94 psychiatric patients who died over a period of months while in state care.

The minute of silence is instead to be deferred to next week’s parliamentary sitting.

“This is clearly unacceptable,” Maimane told journalists outside parliament last night. “We demand recognition for bringing up this tragedy for shock value and political gain. In fact, if we should ever perish, we will come back to demand a minute of silence in person.”

Many South Africans were nonplussed by the refusal of the DA’s request.

“It’s almost like the people who died under state care don’t really matter,” a Cape Town minstrel, speaking on condition of anonymity, said. “It’s like they’re being used as a rugby ball to score political goals with.”

Maimane rubbished the DA’s detractors. “The DA only supports cricket,” he said.