Already out in stores near you: (White) Monopoly (Capital)TM

 

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File. Source.

 

KwaZulu-Natal–“Monopoly with a South African twist.” That’s what Toys R Us South Africa are calling a new edition of the family board game now available in toy stores nationwide.

“Instead of the usual avatars, this release includes new icons, each in the likeness of a South African finance mogul. Nicky Oppenheimer, Johann Rupert and Christoffel Wiese are represented,” a spokesperson – requesting anonymity – told APFYT.

The release has met with mixed reaction in the target demographic groups, many people saying they “Never play Monopoly”. “It’s boring,” a Johannesburg school child told APFYT reporters. “And my cousin always cheats.”

Meanwhile, Public Protector Busisiwe Mkhwebane has denied that she always wants to be the bank. “I prefer Uno,” she told APFYT in an undated statement delivered via homing pigeon.

2100: 1 of every 10 children will be a direct descendent of Steve Hofmeyr, study says

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Hofmeyr with Romy-Lee. Source.

Johannesburg–In the year 2100 one of our every ten South African newborns will be a direct descendant of Afrikaans Trump supporter Steve Hofmeyr.

Hofmeyr and his wife Janine recently welcomed a newborn baby girl, Romy-Lee.

While his children aren’t literally innumerable, like President Zuma’s, Hofmeyr has made a generous – some would say too generous – contribution to South Africa’s gene pool,” an expert from the Steve Biko Academic Hospital, speaking on condition of anonymity, told APFYT. “We’ve run the numbers. By 2200, twenty percent of South Africa’s population will be Hofmeyr descendants and, unfortunately, Blue Bulls supporters.”

When approached for comment Hofmeyr was uncharacteristically reticent and blocked APFYT on Twitter.

“I am not a tool!” – spanner

 

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File. Source.

 

Cape town–Black Land First leader Andile Mngxitama, who is a spanner, today denied allegations that he and his movement against so-called “white monopoly capital” are just a tool to distract from the massive state capture effort of the Gupta family.

Speaking from his tool shed, Mngxitama was aghast that his agenda should be so misconstrued. “Land,” he said. “Land, land, Land. Also land. In addition: land.”

When APFYT reporters tried to question him, he continued to shout, “Land!”, startling passers-by.

Land is a contentious issue in South Africa.

“It’s our ‘right to bear arms’, our ‘abortion’,” a professor at the University of Cape Town, who wishes to remain anonymous, told APFYT reporters. “It’s the issue that always gets bandied about before elections, to rile up people on both sides of the colour divide.”

The idea of “white monopoly capital” entered the national vocabulary recently after efforts of Gupta-hired UK PR firm Bell Pottinger.

“We don’t eat white chocolate” – Gupta family

 

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File. Source.

 

Johannesburg–“We don’t eat white chocolate.” So says the Gupta family in response to allegations that Gupta brothers Ajay, Atul and Rajesh have a penchant for Milky Bars. “Especially not the kind with Smarties or Jelly Tots in them.”

But APFYT reporters have learned that Milky Bar consumption is a well-known fact around the Gupta residence and their various businesses, so much so that several companies have gone out of their way to stock the Nestle white chocolate.

“It’s the worst kept secret,” an employee, speaking on condition of anonymity, said. “Not regular chocolate or dark chocolate or even Top Decks. No, just Milky Bars. Ajay often goes to bed with one or two.”

Nestle declined to comment on the apparent popularity of their product with the family widely believed to have captured the South African state.

“We know it looks dodgy, but it really wasn’t!”

 

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Danie and Eloise le Roux. File. Source.

 

Paarl–Danie le Roux, principal of Paarl Gymnasium Primary School, and his wife Eloise continue to deny their involvement in the May house fire death of Wellington couple Jacques and Sunita van Dyk. Initially thought to be an accident, several suspicious details have emerged over the last few months, including alleged affairs between Danie le Roux and teacher Sunita van Dyk and Eloise le Roux and Sunita van Dyk.

Speaking to the Le Roux couple in their Paarl home, both expressed their regret to APFYT reporters in having been embroiled in the tragic but they were sure entirely accidental death of their friends.

“That people suspect us is so unreal,” Danie le Roux said.

“Yes, one school-wide admission of an inappropriate relationship with staff and everyone loses their minds!” added Eloise.

“Don’t forget those letters. Entirely innocent, but taken out of context,” said Danie.

“We know it looks dodgy,” Eloise admitted, “but it really wasn’t!”

However, confidence in the couple’s claims of innocence has been marred by their pants literally being on fire.

“It does undercut their narrative,” an expert in from the Department of Sociology from the University of Pretoria said, speaking on condition of anonymity. “People tend to interpret actions rather than words. Here we have an action – trousers, blue denim, track suit bottoms and skirts – being on fire, totally contradicting their story.”

APFYT sent a WhatsApp message for further comment, but ultimately declined the couple’s invitation to meet up at a McDonald’s and bring a can of petrol.

“Pinky swear!”

 

Amor Vittone
File. Source.

 

Cape Town–Amor Vittone has denied her denial of her denial, promising South African newspapers over the weekend that “I’m really telling the truth now!”

In a tape leaked to You! Magazine a woman reported to be Ms Vittone can be heard belittling her estranged husband, retired Springbok Joost van der Westhuizen.

Van der Westhuizen died in February from Motor Neuron Disease (MND).

The couple had been on the verge of divorcing, but a timeous bout of dread disease convinced Ms Vittone to defer the divorce until Van der Westhuizen’s death.

The ex-Springbok had fallen from grace two years before his MND diagnosis, which did wonders for his public image.

“Yeah so he was a bit of a bliksem,” a member of Van der Westhuizen’s family, who wished to remain anonymous, told APFYT reporters. “But you couldn’t tell him that, he was sick! Amor really crossed the line.”

Ms Vittone and the Van der Westhuizen clan have spent the past several months embroiled in legal battles for Joost’s estate. The Van der Westhuizen’s dropped their suit when it became clear Joost was broke.

South Africans demand another weekend, end to blight of corruption, and Zuma’s testicles

 

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Axed Minister of Finance Pravin Gordhan. Source.

 

Johannesburg — In the wake of the shittest weekend in recent memory, South Africans are calling for a free weekend as compensation. This follows Jacob Zuma’s clone’s decision to reshuffle his cabinet late last Thursday night in a very obvious ploy to get his masters unfettered access to South Africa’s treasury.

It is widely accepted that axed Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan and his deputy, Mcebisi Jonas were the only thing preventing the corrupt Gupta family from plundering South Africa’s treasury.

“It’s terrible,” a spokesperson for the South African Communist Party, who wishes to remain anonymous, told APFYT reporters on Monday. “How could anyone enjoy their weekend after a Friday like that? And at the start of the school holidays! No man!”

The SACP was just one of many parties who expressed their dissatisfaction with Zuma’s clone’s decision, including Zuma’s own party.

“We feel he could be a little less obvious about our absolute non-interest in the welfare of the country,” an ANC source told APFYT reporters, speaking on the condition that he remain anonymous. “We only have so much budgeting set aside for disinformation campaigns.”

The DA has since raised calls for Zuma’s (figurative) head, but the EFF told reporters they would be satisfied with Zuma’s (literal) balls.

“Ja, his balls,” an EFF spokesperson clarified, “because the parliament police are always grabbing Malema’s when they throw him out.”

An ANC spokesperson expressed shock at these demands. “If President Zuma has either a head or testicles – and we’re not confirming that he does – they remain the property of the African National Congress.”

Man surprised to learn that poor people are allegedly human

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Johannesburg–A South African man was on Friday surprised to learn that poor and disadvantaged people are human.

Trevor Frown posted disparaging remarks about the poor on popular news and opinion site, the Daily Maverick.

“Ask this leftist fool when the poor and marginalised ever did something to build the econi\omy [sic], except to be gullible enough to vote gangster and con men into power,” he wrote.

His comment was in response to an article about Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan’s vision for South Africa’s economy.

Frown was surprised to learn that even poor and socially disadvantaged people are considered humans and thus deserving of basic human rights, including food, shelter, amenities, health care, independent agency and protection by the state.

“Oh sure!” he told APFYT reporters on Friday morning, while washing his Land Rover. “What commie bullsh*t! If you ask me, you don’t qualify to be human if your car is older than two years.”

Frown was subsequently very surprised to learn that some people cannot afford to buy cars, but rubbished assertions that he was “out of touch”.

Frown’s close friend, Dianne Dolton, defended him by claiming that “one cannot trust the mainstream media nowadays.”

“It’s all lefties and socialists! I’ve seen cars in Soweto, you know, with my own eyes while driving past,” she reassured APFYT, taking a break from her affirmative colouring-in to speak to our reporters. “There’s no pulling the wool over my eyes!”

Frown has refused to rescind his comments.

“I won’t give in to this nonsensical claim that ‘all humans are humans.’ Get off my lawn!”

Molefe’s crocodile tears to be sworn in as members of parliament

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Brian Molefe pictured with his crocodile tears. File. Source.

Cape Town–The ANC have announced their intention to swear in Brian Molefe’s crocodile tears as members of parliament too.

This follows Molefe’s recent appointment as a member of parliament for the ruling party.

Molefe’s crocodile tears made their first appearance at a media briefing in November 2016 when the then-CEO was confronted with mismanagement at South Africa’s energy provider Eskom.

Former Public Prosecutor Thuli Madonsela’s report on state capture was damning, but at the time Molefe insisted there was nothing wrong with Eskom’s dealings with Gupta-owned enterprises. He resigned from his position shortly thereafter.

Questioned about their decision, an ANC member, speaking on condition of anonymity, told APFYT that they felt Molefe’s tears had “room within the party”.

“We’re optimistic that President Zuma’s clone might like to borrow them from time to time. The public responds to that kind of thing,” she said, making an oblique reference to Zuma’s clone’s seeming lack of remorse about the massive corruption and general moral degeneracy that have become the trademarks of his tenure as president.

The ANC received a lot of flack for Molefe’s appointment to parliament. DA MP David Maynier told EWN, “At the end of the day, only the Guptas are likely to be delighted if Brian Molefe is appointed to the finance family because they would get what they wanted.”

It is unclear what opposition parties will make of the new developments.

Woman unable to decide which one of ten Bibles to use for ten minutes of Bible study a day

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A collection of Bibles. Stock. Source.

Johannesburg – An elder in a local church reportedly struggles to decide which one of her ten Bibles to use for her daily quiet time.

The woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, reached out to APFYT to share her woes in making a decision about which Bible to use.

“It’s tough,” she said, speaking frankly. “Which one of my expensive study bibles should I use? Should I even use a study bible? I’ve wanted to use my journalling Bible but I’m afraid I’ll accidentally journal in it, and live to regret the mistake.

“It’s a conundrum,” she concluded.

She isn’t alone. She’s only one of many modern Christians who face the enormous responsibility of settling on a Bible to use when there are many different versions available in many translations.

“We’re spoiled for choice,” a representative of a popular Christian bookstore, speaking on condition of anonymity, told APFYT. “But this ESV Journalling Bible with a leather cover is a very popular choice at the moment, would you like to take a look?”

Not everyone shares this burden. APFYT has learned that there are some countries where Christians are not permitted to own even a single Bible per family, or face enormous risks for doing so.

“In a way I envy them,” the anonymous elder told APFYT when asked about this. “They’re really getting back to the roots of faith, aren’t they? Jesus did say we’d be persecuted for our beliefs, and they’re really living that reality. I have so much respect for them.”

Asked whether she felt Western and non-persecuted countries should sponsor Bible distribution in less fortunate places, she agreed that it was vital and necessary work.

“It’s a pity I can’t give more,” she told APFYT, but explained that she was saving up for the CEV Women’s Bible.