Cape Town – Extensive research and consultation with a variety of prophets, spiritual luminaries and sangomas have indicated that President Jacob Zuma can only be defeated by the eighth vote of no confidence of the eighth vote of no confidence, the DA has determined.
Earlier this month beleaguered President Zuma avoided yet another motion of no confidence against him. The vote was cast by secret ballot, with 177 of MPs for and 198 against.
“I’m not going to lie, the result was disheartening,” Mmusi Maimane, DA leader, told APFYT reporters. “But we’re confident that with the new information at hand we can eventually depose Zuma.”
Meanwhile, the ANC has not reacted well to its own members siding with opposition parties in the secret ballot.
They are rumoured to be employing eldritch means themselves to determine who had enough common sense and human decency to vote against Zuma, and to eradicate it from the party entirely.
“We can’t have people thinking for themselves and demanding accountability, honesty and integrity from their ANC leaders,” an ANC member, speaking anonymously, told APFYT reporters. “Because that will lead to unemployment for most of our leaders.”
“Their UIF is not up to date,” the anonymous member added.
Kempton Park – Amid sharp criticism for the suspicious sale of their media companies, the Gupta family have been lauded for employing “existentially-challenged individuals”, or in layperson’s terms, “people who do not exist”.
Cape Town – “One or more IT person” would need to be employed to successfully use R1 billion worth of software. This is according to Parliament’s standing committee on public accounts (SCOPA) after they launched an investigation into the Integrated Financial Management System. The project was launched over a decade ago.
During discussions with MPs, it came to light that the State Information Technology Agency (Sita) had lent the IFM system to their nephew to figure out eight years ago during the December holidays.
“But he hadn’t got around to it,” a Sita spokesperson, preferring anonymity, told APFYT reporters.
The IFMS was intended to streamline and simplify HR, payroll and other functions across several governmental departments.
“I’m not so sure what the big deal is,” a treasury representative told APFYT. “It didn’t even have Solitaire, only Minesweeper.” APFYT was unable to help the treasury representative figure out how Minesweeper worked.
Meanwhile, Big Media’s apparent failure to cover SCOPA’s inquiry was used to jettison the claims of four, maybe even as many as five people on Twitter that Duduzane Zuma’s recent controversies are fake news meant to distract from the White Monopoly Capital agenda.
“Hashtag fake news,” one of these users told APFYT reporters.
When asked whether a large-scale white monopoly capital conspiracy wouldn’t be hampered by white people’s inability to even agree on a bobotie recipe, the user declined to comment.
Port Elizabeth – The NSFAS-funded student who spent more than R800 000 of the R14-million she erroneously received spent it on Vodacom data, it has emerged.
The unnamed student accidentally had R14-million deposited into her account at the beginning of June by the Walter Sisulu University. After unsuccessfully trying to resolve the issue, she bought 5 gigs of data for her Vodacom SIM card. The transaction cost her close to a million rand.
“The worst thing,” she told APFYT reporters, “is that what’s left of it expires at the end of this month.”
Data prices in South Africa have come under close scrutiny in recent months. Depending on the service provider, a gigabyte of data can cost as much as R160. A parliamentary committee recently found Vodacom’s OOB (out of bundle) rate of R1.50 per megabyte to be unacceptable.
However, a Vodacom employee – who wishes to remain anonymous – told APFYT reporters that lowering data costs was simply impossible.
“How else can we bleed our customers dry?” she asked.
It’s unclear whether Vodacom will issue a refund to the Walter Sisulu University for the data purchased with misappropriated funds.
KwaZulu-Natal–“Monopoly with a South African twist.” That’s what Toys R Us South Africa are calling a new edition of the family board game now available in toy stores nationwide.
“Instead of the usual avatars, this release includes new icons, each in the likeness of a South African finance mogul. Nicky Oppenheimer, Johann Rupert and Christoffel Wiese are represented,” a spokesperson – requesting anonymity – told APFYT.
The release has met with mixed reaction in the target demographic groups, many people saying they “Never play Monopoly”. “It’s boring,” a Johannesburg school child told APFYT reporters. “And my cousin always cheats.”
Meanwhile, Public Protector Busisiwe Mkhwebane has denied that she always wants to be the bank. “I prefer Uno,” she told APFYT in an undated statement delivered via homing pigeon.
Johannesburg–In the year 2100 one of our every ten South African newborns will be a direct descendant of Afrikaans Trump supporter Steve Hofmeyr.
Hofmeyr and his wife Janine recently welcomed a newborn baby girl, Romy-Lee.
“While his children aren’t literally innumerable, like President Zuma’s, Hofmeyr has made a generous – some would say too generous – contribution to South Africa’s gene pool,” an expert from the Steve Biko Academic Hospital, speaking on condition of anonymity, told APFYT. “We’ve run the numbers. By 2200, twenty percent of South Africa’s population will be Hofmeyr descendants and, unfortunately, Blue Bulls supporters.”
When approached for comment Hofmeyr was uncharacteristically reticent and blocked APFYT on Twitter.
Cape town–Black Land First leader Andile Mngxitama, who is a spanner, today denied allegations that he and his movement against so-called “white monopoly capital” are just a tool to distract from the massive state capture effort of the Gupta family.
Speaking from his tool shed, Mngxitama was aghast that his agenda should be so misconstrued. “Land,” he said. “Land, land, Land. Also land. In addition: land.”
When APFYT reporters tried to question him, he continued to shout, “Land!”, startling passers-by.
Land is a contentious issue in South Africa.
“It’s our ‘right to bear arms’, our ‘abortion’,” a professor at the University of Cape Town, who wishes to remain anonymous, told APFYT reporters. “It’s the issue that always gets bandied about before elections, to rile up people on both sides of the colour divide.”
Johannesburg–“We don’t eat white chocolate.” So says the Gupta family in response to allegations that Gupta brothers Ajay, Atul and Rajesh have a penchant for Milky Bars. “Especially not the kind with Smarties or Jelly Tots in them.”
But APFYT reporters have learned that Milky Bar consumption is a well-known fact around the Gupta residence and their various businesses, so much so that several companies have gone out of their way to stock the Nestle white chocolate.
“It’s the worst kept secret,” an employee, speaking on condition of anonymity, said. “Not regular chocolate or dark chocolate or even Top Decks. No, just Milky Bars. Ajay often goes to bed with one or two.”
Nestle declined to comment on the apparent popularity of their product with the family widely believed to have captured the South African state.
Paarl–Danie le Roux, principal of Paarl Gymnasium Primary School, and his wife Eloise continue to deny their involvement in the May house fire death of Wellington couple Jacques and Sunita van Dyk. Initially thought to be an accident, several suspicious details have emerged over the last few months, including alleged affairs between Danie le Roux and teacher Sunita van Dyk and Eloise le Roux and Sunita van Dyk.
Speaking to the Le Roux couple in their Paarl home, both expressed their regret to APFYT reporters in having been embroiled in the tragic but they were sure entirely accidental death of their friends.
“That people suspect us is so unreal,” Danie le Roux said.
“Yes, one school-wide admission of an inappropriate relationship with staff and everyone loses their minds!” added Eloise.
“Don’t forget those letters. Entirely innocent, but taken out of context,” said Danie.
“We know it looks dodgy,” Eloise admitted, “but it really wasn’t!”
However, confidence in the couple’s claims of innocence has been marred by their pants literally being on fire.
“It does undercut their narrative,” an expert in from the Department of Sociology from the University of Pretoria said, speaking on condition of anonymity. “People tend to interpret actions rather than words. Here we have an action – trousers, blue denim, track suit bottoms and skirts – being on fire, totally contradicting their story.”
APFYT sent a WhatsApp message for further comment, but ultimately declined the couple’s invitation to meet up at a McDonald’s and bring a can of petrol.
Cape Town–Amor Vittone has denied her denial of her denial, promising South African newspapers over the weekend that “I’m really telling the truth now!”
In a tape leaked to You! Magazine a woman reported to be Ms Vittone can be heard belittling her estranged husband, retired Springbok Joost van der Westhuizen.
Van der Westhuizen died in February from Motor Neuron Disease (MND).
The couple had been on the verge of divorcing, but a timeous bout of dread disease convinced Ms Vittone to defer the divorce until Van der Westhuizen’s death.
The ex-Springbok had fallen from grace two years before his MND diagnosis, which did wonders for his public image.
“Yeah so he was a bit of a bliksem,” a member of Van der Westhuizen’s family, who wished to remain anonymous, told APFYT reporters. “But you couldn’t tell him that, he was sick! Amor really crossed the line.”
Ms Vittone and the Van der Westhuizen clan have spent the past several months embroiled in legal battles for Joost’s estate. The Van der Westhuizen’s dropped their suit when it became clear Joost was broke.