#ThePresidentsKeepers: Viral success prompts SSA redirection

 

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Image source.

 

Irene, Pretoria – The State Security Agency is considering a move into advertising following their successful promotion of Jacques Pouw’s controversial new book, The President’s Keepers.

The book rocketed past its initial print run of 20 000 copies when the SSA accused Pauw and his publishers of sharing classified information and served the author and publisher with a cease and desist notice.

The book chronicles vast corruption in many of South Africa’s state organs, such as the South African Revenue Service and the State Security Agency itself, all in apparent service of President Jacob Zuma.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, an SSA employee said that their unintended success at promoting the book prompted some serious introspection in the top ranks.

“If we’re so good at this and so bad at spying, maybe we should reconsider our life path,” the employee said. “That’s the feeling of the top brass.”

Asked whether the SSA would serve cease and desist orders on request from now on, the employee said that it was a “distinct possibility”.

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#Zimbabwe: “There is no Koo here”

 

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Koo logo. Source.

 

Harare, Zimbabwe – The commander of the Zimbabwean Defence Force this morning denied rumours that a coup is being staged against long-time despot Robert Mugabe.

Addressing reporters in the capital, Army General Constantino Chiwenga told reporters that “There is no Koo here”, referring to a popular brand of tin food in neighbouring country South Africa. “Though we’ll take some if we can get it.”

The suspect movement of military vehicles in Harare alerted the international news media to the possibility of a coup, though recent reports suggest there is little activity on the streets.

#BlackMonday: “Afrikaners don’t have irony!”

 

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Image source.

 

Pretoria – White #BlackMonday protesters this week denied allegations that naming their event “Black” Monday was an ill-fated move.

The protest, which took place at the end of October, saw mostly white people gather together all over the country to draw attention to the murder of white farmers.

“What rubbish!” a Black Monday protester, speaking anonymously, told APFYT reporters. When APFYT suggested the event had perhaps been named ironically, the protester denied that Afrikaners have any sense of irony. “Jou ma se irony!” she said, before chasing reporters from her farm.

“We suggested #PurpleMonday,” a spokesperson for Afrikaner rights group Afriforum said, in response to our queries. “Who doesn’t like purple? But apparently purple is a winter colour, and the DA, EFF and ANC have monopolised the colours blue, red and yellow respectively, which left us with very few options.”

When asked whether #WhiteMonday wouldn’t have been more appropriate, all things considered, Afriforum declined further questions and had APFYT reporters escorted from the premises.

DA confident prophecy, sacrifice key to Zuma removal

 

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Jacob Zuma. File. Source.

 

Cape Town – Extensive research and consultation with a variety of prophets, spiritual luminaries and sangomas have indicated that President Jacob Zuma can only be defeated by the eighth vote of no confidence of the eighth vote of no confidence, the DA has determined.

Earlier this month beleaguered President Zuma avoided yet another motion of no confidence against him. The vote was cast by secret ballot, with 177 of MPs for and 198 against.

“I’m not going to lie, the result was disheartening,” Mmusi Maimane, DA leader, told APFYT reporters. “But we’re confident that with the new information at hand we can eventually depose Zuma.”

Meanwhile, the ANC has not reacted well to its own members siding with opposition parties in the secret ballot.

They are rumoured to be employing eldritch means themselves to determine who had enough common sense and human decency to vote against Zuma, and to eradicate it from the party entirely.

“We can’t have people thinking for themselves and demanding accountability, honesty and integrity from their ANC leaders,” an ANC member, speaking anonymously, told APFYT reporters. “Because that will lead to unemployment for most of our leaders.”

“Their UIF is not up to date,” the anonymous member added.

New Age, ANN7 “leaders in employing existentially-challenged individuals”

 

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File. Source.

 

Kempton Park – Amid sharp criticism for the suspicious sale of their media companies, the Gupta family have been lauded for employing “existentially-challenged individuals”, or in layperson’s terms, “people who do not exist”.

“People who do not exist have been ignored for far too long in our democratic society,” a spokesperson for the newly-constituted Unaffirmed People’s Alliance (UPA) told APFYT reporters. He had previously been married to a woman who, along with a group of mindfulness colouring-in artists, accidentally “deaffirmed” themselves earlier this year in an effort to defeat South African President Jacob Zuma.

“Existing in the traditional sense of the word should not prevent one from enjoying the same basic human rights as people who do exist, including access to employment,” the spokesperson said.

Oakbay claimed the sale of its shares in The New Age and ANN7 to Mzwanele “Jimmy” Manyi were done in part to preserve 7500 jobs between the two agencies, but experts have questioned this number.

IFMS system needs “one or more IT person” – report

 

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Implementation failure. File. Source.

 

Cape Town – “One or more IT person” would need to be employed to successfully use R1 billion worth of software. This is according to Parliament’s standing committee on public accounts (SCOPA) after they launched an investigation into the Integrated Financial Management System. The project was launched over a decade ago.

During discussions with MPs, it came to light that the State Information Technology Agency (Sita) had lent the IFM system to their nephew to figure out eight years ago during the December holidays.

“But he hadn’t got around to it,” a Sita spokesperson, preferring anonymity, told APFYT reporters.

The IFMS was intended to streamline and simplify HR, payroll and other functions across several governmental departments.

“I’m not so sure what the big deal is,” a treasury representative told APFYT. “It didn’t even have Solitaire, only Minesweeper.” APFYT was unable to help the treasury representative figure out how Minesweeper worked.

Meanwhile, Big Media’s apparent failure to cover SCOPA’s inquiry was used to jettison the claims of four, maybe even as many as five people on Twitter that Duduzane Zuma’s recent controversies are fake news meant to distract from the White Monopoly Capital agenda.

“Hashtag fake news,” one of these users told APFYT reporters.

When asked whether a large-scale white monopoly capital conspiracy wouldn’t be hampered by white people’s inability to even agree on a bobotie recipe, the user declined to comment.

Vodacom data prices drive accidental #NSFAS fraud

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Students at the Walter Sisulu University. File. Image source.

Port Elizabeth – The NSFAS-funded student who spent more than R800 000 of the R14-million she erroneously received spent it on Vodacom data, it has emerged.

The unnamed student accidentally had R14-million deposited into her account at the beginning of June by the Walter Sisulu University. After unsuccessfully trying to resolve the issue, she bought 5 gigs of data for her Vodacom SIM card. The transaction cost her close to a million rand.

“The worst thing,” she told APFYT reporters, “is that what’s left of it expires at the end of this month.”

Data prices in South Africa have come under close scrutiny in recent months. Depending on the service provider, a gigabyte of data can cost as much as R160. A parliamentary committee recently found Vodacom’s OOB (out of bundle) rate of R1.50 per megabyte to be unacceptable.

However, a Vodacom employee – who wishes to remain anonymous – told APFYT reporters that lowering data costs was simply impossible.

“How else can we bleed our customers dry?” she asked.

It’s unclear whether Vodacom will issue a refund to the Walter Sisulu University for the data purchased with misappropriated funds.

Already out in stores near you: (White) Monopoly (Capital)TM

 

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File. Source.

 

KwaZulu-Natal–“Monopoly with a South African twist.” That’s what Toys R Us South Africa are calling a new edition of the family board game now available in toy stores nationwide.

“Instead of the usual avatars, this release includes new icons, each in the likeness of a South African finance mogul. Nicky Oppenheimer, Johann Rupert and Christoffel Wiese are represented,” a spokesperson – requesting anonymity – told APFYT.

The release has met with mixed reaction in the target demographic groups, many people saying they “Never play Monopoly”. “It’s boring,” a Johannesburg school child told APFYT reporters. “And my cousin always cheats.”

Meanwhile, Public Protector Busisiwe Mkhwebane has denied that she always wants to be the bank. “I prefer Uno,” she told APFYT in an undated statement delivered via homing pigeon.

2100: 1 of every 10 children will be a direct descendent of Steve Hofmeyr, study says

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Hofmeyr with Romy-Lee. Source.

Johannesburg–In the year 2100 one of our every ten South African newborns will be a direct descendant of Afrikaans Trump supporter Steve Hofmeyr.

Hofmeyr and his wife Janine recently welcomed a newborn baby girl, Romy-Lee.

While his children aren’t literally innumerable, like President Zuma’s, Hofmeyr has made a generous – some would say too generous – contribution to South Africa’s gene pool,” an expert from the Steve Biko Academic Hospital, speaking on condition of anonymity, told APFYT. “We’ve run the numbers. By 2200, twenty percent of South Africa’s population will be Hofmeyr descendants and, unfortunately, Blue Bulls supporters.”

When approached for comment Hofmeyr was uncharacteristically reticent and blocked APFYT on Twitter.

“I am not a tool!” – spanner

 

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File. Source.

 

Cape town–Black Land First leader Andile Mngxitama, who is a spanner, today denied allegations that he and his movement against so-called “white monopoly capital” are just a tool to distract from the massive state capture effort of the Gupta family.

Speaking from his tool shed, Mngxitama was aghast that his agenda should be so misconstrued. “Land,” he said. “Land, land, Land. Also land. In addition: land.”

When APFYT reporters tried to question him, he continued to shout, “Land!”, startling passers-by.

Land is a contentious issue in South Africa.

“It’s our ‘right to bear arms’, our ‘abortion’,” a professor at the University of Cape Town, who wishes to remain anonymous, told APFYT reporters. “It’s the issue that always gets bandied about before elections, to rile up people on both sides of the colour divide.”

The idea of “white monopoly capital” entered the national vocabulary recently after efforts of Gupta-hired UK PR firm Bell Pottinger.